How to talk to BIG people

In your life you are going to have to talk to people who have the power to say yes or no to your dream.

The outcome of those conversations can be the difference between landing your dream job, dream client, dream position, dream spouse (who knows!) and not. Talking to a Big Person is uncomfortable. Why?

There is an unequal power dynamic between you and a big person.

A boss has the power to make your life great, or miserable. A dream client can be rocket fuel to your new business brand or they can trash you on Twitter and destroy your young business before it gets off the launchpad. That old friend in college whose got a connection to a company your wife is trying to work at can yell at you for falling out of touch with them and hitting them up for advice.

Simply, they can say yes or no to you. And that’s scary — but not if you speak their language.

Do You Speak Big People? (No Google Translate Won’t Help)

BIG people don’t have the same values that a regular person might. In his book, Selling To VITO (Very Important Top Officer) by Anthony Parinello discusses these difference in values between Big People and the rest of us. Parinello was struggling to meet his sales numbers as a young salesman and tried an idea to target his sales conversations to reflect the same values as the top decision makers at a company he was trying to make a sale to.

Generally, he found Big People value…

• Time — They don’t like to waste it. It is a nonrenewable resource. Chris Sacca, a venture capital investor in Silicon Valley, calls it the Uber question: If you had two minutes until your Uber arrived, what is your pitch? I had a football coach in college whose policy was “If you’re less than 15 minutes early to my meetings, you are late.”
• Winning — Big People didn’t get to where they were because they liked to lose. Can you position what you are about to offer them as something that will help with their goals? Is your proposal a win for them, a win for their business/org/team and a win for you by coincidence?
• Status — You are asking a Big Person to assume a risk by associating with you. Will being associated with you reduce or boost their perceived status in the eyes of the market or rivals?
• Brass Tax — Being blunt saves everyone time and headaches down the road. Fumbling with words, fumbling with justification, or beating around the bush is a sign of someone who is unsure of what they are selling or lacks confidence in themselves. That’s a Big Person red flag.
• Privacy — If you are especially trying to connect with a celebrity or professional athlete everyone wants something from them. You have an extremely small window to prove you will respect their privacy. Also ask before posting something about them on social media. Even if it is a small thing, your consideration will be appreciated.
• Follow Up — You would be surprised how many people don’t follow up with a thank you email or, even better, a hand written thank you note. Even if you are told no, your follow up can lead to other opportunities: While I understand our business wasn’t a great fit for your company’s vision, did you think you might know of another business in a similar market who we might be an even better fit for?

The more you align your message to a VITO or Big Person in a way that reflects their values and world views, the greater your odds of hitting a connection.

Yeah, But What Exactly Do I Say?

Most people can wrap their head around the previous concept, but what do you actually say, exactly?

Phil Jones wrote perhaps the best book ever written on this subject called, — duh — Exactly What To Say and I highly, highly recommend you read it. It consists of simple starter phrases to navigate various circumstances in negotiations or sales.

The worst time to think about what you are about to say is as you are saying it and while this book isn’t an exact script for every occasion, it provides key phrases to help create a more positive outcome than if you didn’t.

A few of my favorite phrases…

I’m not sure if it’s for you or not but…

You really AREN’T sure if what you are about to propose would even work, so why beat around the bush? Acknowledge that what you’re about to offer a Big Person might not be for them. This creates two positive circumstances (1) There is reduced pressure to say yes because you’ve already green-lighted a potential no from them and (2) When you say something might not be for you, the listener can’t help but begin to think, OK well — why might this actually be for me? You’ve intrigued me!

• I’m not sure if it’s for you or not but might you be open to letting me ask you a few questions about your sales philosophy?
• I’m not sure if it’s for you or not but might you be open to grabbing coffee sometime?
• I’m not sure if it’s for you or not but might you be open to letting me propose a solution to our sales problem and earn x% commission…?

…other successful people just like yourself such as (insert market competitor/rival)…

Remember, Big People value status and winning. In college football recruiting, the second LSU makes a player an offer, who do you think quickly also offers a recruit a scholarship? Clemson, Alabama, USC and so on. You have subtly hinted at FOMO — your rivals, your market, your competition has also been open to such ideas so you might be too.

• I’m not sure if it’s for you or not but other successful tech companies such as Google and Facebook in the marketing space have already scheduled brief proposal meetings next week…
• I’m not sure if it’s for you or not, but other successful parents with happy and successful student-athletes like the Joneses and Smiths have already agreed to partner with our tutoring company…
• I’m not sure if it’s for you or not but I’ve already received scholarship interest from other successful programs like yours such as LSU and Clemson…
• I’m not sure if you might be open to it or not, but I’ve already been asked to the dance by two other girls from the other high school in town, but I’d truly love to go with you…

What might it take…?

Big People hate fluff and love brass tax. If you sense your proposal isn’t going well, the momentum of the conversation is stalling out or they’ve said no, just ask them What might it take…?

• What might it take for us to do business together at the end of this meeting?
• What exactly might it take for you to feel great about our relationship by the end of this conversation?
• What exactly would it take for you to still pass me on my mid term paper?
• What exactly do we need to do to resolve this issue going forward?

Look, there is no magic formula to getting a Big Person to say yes to you, but you can take actions, say certain things and perform tasks that will make it much more likely to occur. For every dream you have, for every goal you have, there is likely someone who has power to help you get further along or further away from it. When you can understand the worldview of these gatekeepers, see more clearly what they want, and position yourself as the best person to do that, you will likely find yourself closer to a yes.

Big People aren’t so scary — they just speak a language you haven’t learned…yet.

Brendan